When it comes to the fundamentals of sex, most men can be smug in assuming they know exactly what their female partners want in bed. While some mistakes are harder to correct, here are some that you can learn to look out for and hopefully, avoid.
1. Frustration with her slow arousal
Male arousal and female arousal differ in a myriad of ways. Sex therapist Laurie J Watson describes it as “the difference between a gas grill and a charcoal grill.“ While it may take men a couple of seconds to get into the mood, female arousal is gradual and slow in coming.
Sometimes men interpret this to be a direct reflection of a woman’s attraction towards them. Instead, take time to learn and your partner’s body, asking questions, and responding to feedback.
2. Believing that good sex is about performance
Oftentimes, men ruin sexual intimacy with their partners by fixating on how long their erections last. Yet, this may be a plausible cause for concern when the man has had previous difficulties with sexual function. Some of these issues include premature ejaculation, low sperm count, low libido, low testosterone, or difficulty maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction). But, in the event where the man believes that how much you ejaculate is proof of masculinity, this can be an instant mood killer.
Masculinity is a social construct and has no bearing on one’s ejaculate volume, or sperm count. The porn industry has been instrumental in perpetuating the belief that the ejaculate volume is commensurate to sexual prowess, mainly because male porn stars ejaculate more (also, consider the fact that these videos are well-edited). The best way to increase sperm volume is by maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Consider a healthy diet, taking vitamin c supplements, regular exercise, and researching further on how to ejaculate more.
3. Expecting sex to make her orgasm
Understand that for a majority of women, sexual stimulation is not enough to bring them to a climax. This is due to the fact that most sex positions do not stimulate the clitoris. To counter this, consider having the woman on top, oral stimulation, or incorporating sex toys. Additionally, taking your time with oral stimulation and foreplay before actual penetrative sex can increase her ability to orgasm.
4. Assuming that sex begins in the bedroom
We now know that while arousal may happen for men, a woman’s arousal is much more gradual. Build anticipation throughout the course of the day by being playful. Hold hands, flirt, spend time together where possible. Sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. says, “Feeling safe and secure in the relationship is key for a woman to let loose during sex […] A long hug can go further than you’d think. Hugging for 30 seconds stimulates oxytocin, the hormone in women that creates [a] sense of connection and trust.“
5. Stimulating her vagina
Most times, the feeling a woman gets in her vagina is not comparable to what a man feels in his penis. To explain, feeling in the vagina results from pressure and stretching. The penis gains its sensation from touch. The clitoris, which is located above the vaginal opening is the female pleasure house; this then is where you should focus attention. Consider running your finger in a circular motion around her clitoral hood, while brushing against her labia in the process. Or, ask her what to do, most women like to give directions. Remember to spread your attention to other parts of her body as too much clitoral stimulation can become uncomfortable or painful.
We hope these tips improve the quality of your sex life.